by Kendra Holliday
Service Provider in America in St Louis, USA
I’m your typical mom-next-door, a 42 year old woman who likes knitting, reading, and watching documentaries. I live in a cute little cottage in a quiet neighborhood. I have a guinea pig and collect sock monkeys. I’m middle-aged and medium sized. In addition to all that wholesome and average goodness, I LOVE SEX. So much so, that I’ve made a career of it!
I’m a sex worker in America’s Midwest. More specifically, I’m a sex surrogate in St. Louis, MO. A sex surrogate is someone who provides hands-on intimacy with people so they can lead healthier, happier lives. My work is meant to be therapeutic, but tends to be fun and rewarding for both my client and me!
Sex is a creative outlet, and a great way to play and explore as an adult. If you are a sexual person like me, then sex is as important to you as food or air. If I go without sex for too long, I get cranky and unsettled. When I have a steady diet of sex, I feel energized and more balanced. I like sharing that erotic energy with my clients – it’s like vitamins, a mojo injection!
I’ve worked with hundreds of people of different abilities over the years. Every one of them has had to deal with mental or physical challenges. When you have a challenge, you have to be creative in solving it. If we didn’t have challenges, life would be boring, and that’s the worst!
In fact, when my daughter was little, I told her she could say WHATEVER curse words she wanted in my house, but the two things she was NOT allowed to say were, “I hate you,” and “I’m bored.” I’m proud to say I’ve never heard those words uttered from her otherwise cute, mouth. 🙂
Now, let’s get down and dirty, with class. Here are my ABC’s for healthy, happy sex!
Adaptation
Life doesn’t always go according to plan, so when unexpected obstacles get thrust upon us, take advice from the U.S. Marines: “Improvise, Adapt, and Overcome.”
If sex is important to you, make it a priority. Don’t let medical professionals discourage you with their ignorance, discomfort, or, conservative attitudes. It’s always good to follow medical advice, but also trust your gut. Advocate for yourself.
The people I’ve been with see sex as a healing force. When I was in high school, my boyfriend sustained 2nd degree burns all over his face and torso from an overheated car radiator. The day after he came home from the hospital, we had sex. Very carefully, mind you! It was only later that we got a smug chuckle out of the literature sent home with him that read, “Two or three months after your burn injury, you may want to try resuming intimate relations…” To be honest with you, the experience gave me a bit of a scar fetish. I got off from being with this new, red, raw, vulnerable version of my boyfriend. His normally brown eyes blazed green with pain, and I rewarded him with blowjobs after enduring excruciating dressing changes. We definitely made the best out of the tragedy, and he was able to heal quickly as a result.
Years later in life, I employed the same attitude in other medical setbacks. My partner had his first orgasm five hours after his vasectomy, and as soon as I got home from the hospital from my hysterectomy, I was going down on him. It was important to us to reclaim our sexuality as soon as possible, and we didn’t suffer any ill effects. If anything, it was empowering and healing.
I know of a man who has spina bifida, and cannot orgasm with penis stimulation, but is able to orgasm with anal stimulation. Keep in mind that when exploring anal sex, there is an outer sphincter and an inner sphincter – they are located close together. You have more control over the outer sphincter, but the inner sphincter responds independently and clench up due to fear or anxiety. So even if the person receiving anal play wants to do it, both parties need patience when it comes to dealing with the inner sphincter. With practice, it can be conditioned to get used to fingers, penises, and appropriate objects being inserted.
If your body doesn’t work in certain ways, try using other body parts to fulfill intimacy. A couple where both parties have disabilities and can’t achieve routine intercourse can use the crease between the thigh and hip instead of vaginal or anal penetration, or the crook of the knee. Have you heard of footjobs? I actually like armpit sex! I let my underarm hair grow out, and enjoy the sensual caressing of that sensitive region.
I’ve discovered some fun techniques for my clients who have Muscular Dystrophy, and thus limited mobility. They want to give me pleasure as much as I want to give it to them, so I’ve gotten off by lubing up their thigh or knuckles and taking a slippery, sexy ride!
Speaking of lube, I always have some handy – I’ve never been one of those dripping wet girls. Celebrate your strengths, and supplement where needed.
Along those lines, it’s fun to explore different toys and devices – cock rings, penis pumps, herbal supplements… just check with your healthcare professional team before trying something new if you have concerns.
Bringing a third person in as enabler
Just as we utilize assistive devices to accomplish tasks, so can we utilize people as helpers in the bedroom. If a loved one is not comfortable acting in a capacity to help facilitate sexy time, consider hiring a Personal Care Assistant who understands that sex is natural. And if you have trouble finding a regular worker who can deal with sexual issues, consider hiring a sex worker. Sex workers are accustomed and experienced with all kinds of situations, so they can be employed as a “Bedroom Companion,” and help you prepare for sex – get dressed, put on makeup, set the bedroom mood. They can even stick around and hand you sex toys and help with cleanup.
Communication
Open and honest communication is the most important component to good sex. We all agree that communication is important, but then we don’t really go there. Why not? Because we’re afraid that what we have to say will offend or hurt the other person, and that we will lose them.
It’s important to know that honesty can be conveyed in a respectful manner, and in safe settings. Respectful honesty is the best policy!
Sex Educator Reid Mihalko of Reid About Sex has an excellent formula for difficult conversations I recommend to people all the time. It goes like this:
What is your “secret”?
Why are you afraid of sharing it with your partner?
What would you like to happen once you share it?
For example, let’s say you’re dating someone new and you have a colostomy. You’re afraid to get close to your sweetheart and tell them because you’re afraid they will be disgusted and dump you. What you would like to happen when you tell them is that they will accept you for who you are, and ask questions and work towards incorporating it into your relationship.
Choose a neutral setting for the conversation, like over tea in the afternoon, instead of in bed, right before you’re about to be intimate. While you don’t need to reveal private matters on the very first date, it’s ideal to share and tell such things fairly early on.
Sometimes, you’ll be pleasantly surprised at how well your news is handled. It turns out that it was a bigger deal for you than it is for them, phew! But sometimes, what we reveal can be shocking for the person, at least at first. Give the person time to process it.
That’s what I did one time. I was very scared to admit to a man I was dating that I was not monogamous, and had the desire to be with other men. I was worried he would not take this news well, and it would end our relationship. When I finally mustered up the courage to admit it to him, he did NOT handle it well. He was shocked and upset, and immediately declared that he would never feel comfortable with the idea of me being with another man.
I was very disappointed, but it turns out it planted a seed, and over time we talked about it more – A LOT – and after about a year, we were bonafide swingers, which ended up a win-win situation – not only did I get to be with other men, but he got to be with other women!
That relationship actually taught me a great deal about being honest with loved ones. Being honest allows you to fully integrate and self-actualize, which promotes good self-esteem. And when delivering important information about yourself, be matter-of-fact about it. That can really set the stage for acceptance.
Desire for Intimacy
Humans are social creatures, and we crave intimacy with others. If you’re one of the lucky ones, you had a nurturing upbringing, with adults who cuddled you and kept you close.
Adults don’t outgrow this need, any more than you’d outgrow the need for food. You still need that human touch and connection.
One of the most important connections you can make with another person is with your eyes. A good hour long exercise to try is when you lie in the spoon position for 20 minutes, then turn over and spoon in the opposite direction for 20 minutes. Then for the final 20 minutes, face each other and gaze into your eyes. If you are visually impaired, touch faces instead.
Use synchronized breathing as a tool for connection.
If possible, schedule regular massage or touch sessions. It can take the edge off eagerness, which can be a turn off.
If you are interested in entering the dating world and finding a partner, sexologist and quadriplegic Dr. Mitchell Tepper has some advice for you:
Secret Formula for Finding Mr./Mrs. Right:
-Take stock in who you are.
-Set aside your fears.
-Emotionally vaccinate yourself against rejection.
-Draw others in with eye contact and body language.
-Flirt (Make observations; pay sincere compliments; find shared values.)
-Honestly and openly communicate your interests and relationship goals.
-Remember that autonomy is not a virtue.
-Believe that you deserve nothing less than the best.
I can vouch for this formula – I met Dr Tepper a couple months ago at a conference, and he swept me off my feet! The minute I met him, I felt compelled to hug him – he had such welcoming energy. And before we parted ways, I requested another hug, because the first one was so damn good! I leaned down into his wheelchair, and once again felt that warm, strong, confident energy. The hug lingered for longer than usual. I felt aware of people watching us with curiosity. The intriguing embrace and stimulating conversation made me wish to spend more time with him. He brought a lot to the table, and his mojo was definitely working!
Erogenous Zones
Nipples and genitals make up only a small percentage of our body real estate – there are so many more areas and nerve endings to explore, from the top of our head, to the soles of our feet.
A scalp massage can feel SO good. There’s a cool head massager called The Tingler – it’s made of copper and has adjustable tines so you can use it on your scalp (even better when someone else uses it on you!) or other parts of the body.
The ear lobe and nape of the neck areas are especially tingleworthy. I have a thing for my shoulders and underarms being caressed. Backs are a wide canvas to explore. Lightly stroking the inner arms can be so soothing. Licking and sucking fingers can be unexpectedly sensual. Males can enjoy their nipples being stimulated just as much as women do. Some people find it deeply arousing to have their belly buttons played with.
If you have limited sensation, seek out the spots that make you sing – some paraplegics and quadriplegics have taught themselves how to orgasm from ear or neck stimulation!
Try sessions involving sensation play – experiment with body parts and items found around the house – kitchen utensils, feathers, silks, soft blankets. I often use my long hair as an instrument of pleasure – I lightly run it down my client’s body, tickling and caressing.
Feelings
Your feelings may not always be rational, but they are still real and valid. There is always a grain of truth in what you feel, and you need to dig down into that truth and examine it with someone you can trust. By facing your feelings, you can process them and move forward in a healthy direction. Burying and repressing feelings is a recipe for implosion.
One of the biggest problems almost everyone has to deal with is negative body image. A great way to overcome this is to schedule a professional photo shoot. It’s amazing how different your body looks when you are inside it, looking down, versus seeing it through someone else’s lens, from a different angle, with flattering lighting. Suddenly, your body is a work of art!
Goal-free sex
There’s a narrative in our society about what sex is – it’s when a man and a woman kiss, feel each other up, and have intercourse, with the goal being the man getting off, and the woman if she is lucky. If that formula doesn’t take place, then it’s not sex.
WRONG!
Sex can be made up of a lot of things! It’s not just about intercourse and orgasm. It’s about intimacy with erotic intent. It’s about pleasure and connection. You don’t even have to touch in order to have sexual expression – you can enjoy it virtually, via chat or webcam. It can be oral, or aural, or massage, or tantra. Humans are social creatures, and we crave the energy of others. Soak up that energy, and allow it to sustain you. Learn to appreciate the intimacy you do get.
This is an extreme example, but one time I went to an orgy with a guy, and there were five women there. As we were driving home, he actually had the nerve to complain that he only got to sleep with four of the women there, and didn’t get to be with the fifth one. I was aghast. Instead of appreciating the amazingly uncommon experience of being with four women in one night, he chose to focus on the one woman he wasn’t with.
How to please a … woman …man …yourself
In our materialistic, superficial society, we sometimes lose ourselves from the basic truth: In order to be happy, we need three things – a roof over our head, food in our belly, and people who love us. Everything else is a bonus.
There are many ways to please a person, such as cleaning their house or buying them gifts, but I’m talking about sexually.
Men and women both want the same thing – to be accepted, loved, and indulged in our basic needs. We all love attention – some will even take mean attention over no attention at all.
That said, it’s generally true that men need only one kind of sexual stimulation in order to feel aroused. For instance, they need boobs, OR a fetish object, OR a handjob. Women tend to need more than one kind of stimulation. So they’ll need sweet nothings whispered, AND oral sex. Or they’ll need kissing AND eye gazing AND caressing. That’s why women have a reputation for being hard to figure out – because most people don’t realize that a combination of things is needed. You just have to figure out what that combination is! See “Communication.”
It’s also important to keep in mind that as our bodies change, we don’t always feel horny first – sometimes you have to get things going with some sexual activity, and THEN desire follows.
When I had my uterus and cervix removed three years ago, I was worried it would diminish or interfere with my orgasms. It certainly did change things and I had to adapt, but I was still able to enjoy powerful and varied orgasms, despite the radically changed landscape of my body.
Remember, a healthy relationship is give and give. If you give in abundance to a good partner, they will return in kind, and it’s a win-win arrangement. (not what I tell people – I say give and take as giving is not always returned)
Incontinence
Some people don’t like to admit it, but human beings are animals, and animals create bodily fluids. Tears, snot, semen, vaginal secretions, puke, blood, pee, poop – I know for A FACT that you’ve excreted all of these things. And that is totally okay!
If you feel any shame about your bodily fluids, whether you have accidents or an ostomy, always remember that everyone else has to deal with their own level of bowel and bladder care. Poop comes out of the ass, or the stoma – same shit, different hole.
Try addressing bowel and bladder issues before getting into sexy time. Drain and empty catheters and ostomy bags. Wait to eat until after sex.
If you wear an internal catheter, it can be taped to be out of the way during sexual activity.
If you are a man and wear an external catheter, it can be temporarily removed for your playtime.
Keep towels and adult body wipes near the bed, and use an underpad for your own peace of mind. When I wanted to practice female ejaculation, I used to use old pads from my daughter’s crib when she was a baby, which didn’t look very sexy, but then I discovered the Liberator Throe, which is a sexy waterproof sheet you can spread out on the bed. It makes for a classy presentation, and is machine washable.
The nice thing about modern conveniences is we have easy access to soap and water. Get cleaned up before sex, and if you make a mess – I maintain that the best sex is messy! – wash up afterward.
Joy
When was the last time you felt joy? What is joy to you?
To me, joy is embracing the sensuality of the moment. Joy is being in touch with yourself. Joy is feeling safe, secure, and inspired. Joy is invigorating. Joy encourages you to move forward and see what’s around the corner.
Joy is feeling gratitude. What do you feel grateful for today?
Kinks
As mentioned in my introduction, sex is a creative outlet, and kinky sex is the whipped cream, chocolate syrup, and sprinkles on top of vanilla (or straight, non-kinky) sex. Vanilla sex is a good foundation to add to, if you ever feel like taking creative sex to the next level.
A lot of us experience things in our childhood that spark a kink. For me, it was swimming with my dad in a lake when I was six. He would float on his back and I would cling to his chest, as he carried us to the island on the other side. I associated a hairy chest with comfort and security, and to this day have a fetish for hairy chests – they make the best pillow, tickling my nose and breathing in the manly scent of the proud pelt grower.
Some people will fetishize your disability – it’s up to you if you want to spend time with them or not. Is it better to be with someone who accepts you for who you are, despite your disability, or to be with someone who gets turned on by what makes you different? That’s up to you to decide.
Since I’m in the camp of the kinkier and more interesting, the better, as long as the person respects you and treats you the way you want to be treated, it’s fine for them to be turned on by your stump, or your wheelchair, or your deafness, short stature, etc. Everyone is into something, so why not make the best of it and use what makes you extraordinary to your advantage?
Like I mentioned before, I’m into body hair, so all those guys who hate their hairy backs are in luck with me! I also find hearing aids sexy, people of short stature fascinating, and scars “a reminder that the past is real”, and should be honored. One year, I took time to think up one thing that sexually charmed me every day – I was surprised and pleased I came up with 365!
So, are you creative? Do you have any kinks? Do you admit to them, or do you keep them secret?
Licking
One of my favorite body parts is the tongue. Tongues can do so many wonderful things, from tasting to tantalizing.
Oral sex is my favorite bedroom activity. In fact, if I had to give up either intercourse or oral sex, I would give up intercourse, hands down! There’s so much pleasure and intimacy to be had in oral worship. It’s less strenuous and accessible, provided you build up stamina, pace yourself, and have neck support. The Liberator Wedge is great for allowing better access to a pussy. Instead of buried in the mattress, it’s presented on a plush platter!
Muscle spasms
Sometimes muscles can spasm at inopportune times, like when you’re having sex or an orgasm. Go with the flow, don’t try pulling on the muscle or stopping the spasm. You can try gently pushing down on it and massaging it. If you can take medicine for muscle spasms, try timing the dose to work with your sexy time.
Experiment with different positions – some can prevent spasms, or you can trigger one, if that might enhance your experience.
Christopher Worth, Community Organizer and Activist and Teaching Assistant deals with muscle spasms regularly, and offers this advice: “Embrace what your muscles can do – don’t reject it. Enhance the experience, with application of warmth, oils, hot towels…There’s a learning curve for riding the muscle wave. Don’t fear the spasm. Don’t let it hold you back from trying new things. Compare it to judo – you want to bend with it, not push against it.”
I always have my Magic Wand near the bed – it has powerful vibrational settings and can be used on muscles OR genitals!
If you are a woman who has spasms that inhibit intercourse, try having an orgasm before attempting penetration to see if that relaxes you.
Sex and release of erotic energy can loosen things up, from head to toe.
Needs
So, what are your physical and emotional needs? Are they being met?
Try making a list of your physical needs. Then make a list of your emotional needs. If you have a partner, have them do the same, and compare notes.
When reviewing your list, think about how to get those needs met. Should you join communities, churches, dating sites? Hire a sex worker, get a massage, ask your therapist for resources?
I’ve seen firsthand how critical the need for connection is by watching my teen daughter discover romance. She suffers from severe social anxiety, and had a rough time in middle school. There were times when we considered hospitalizing her. But as soon as she started high school and a new antidepressant medication, she made a 180 change. She met new friends, and one became her boyfriend. They are not popular; they are nerdy and have eclectic interests. She has anxiety and depression; he has Asperger’s. Both had very little experience with romance.
It was astonishing watching her go from hyperventilating to smiling uncontrollably when she thought about her new sweetheart! Dr. Mitchell Tepper mentions this phenomenon in his book, “Regain That Feeling: Secrets to Sexual Self Discovery.” He points out, “Being in love and feeling connected to others makes us less focused on our own problems.
Disconnection from society, friendships, and intimate relationships causes emptiness. It leaves our focus on ourselves. Our minds fill with negative thoughts. We dwell on our problems; not being the same, not having full control over our bodies; not being able to feel, and not being able to fulfill our expected roles or our dreams. When we are disconnected, we also fail to communicate. While we wallow in our fears and sorrows, we miss opportunities to hear and evaluate new perspectives. Anger can settle in, interfering with healing and robbing us of our ability to recognize the positive possibilities in our lives.”
Orgasm
I love orgasms. There are so many ways to enjoy them – the standard, stimulating the genitals with hands or toys, or other ways, such as using a shower head, or even stimulating a different body part. Some people can get off with nipple stimulation, ear caressing, neck touching, or even brain stimulation! There is such a thing as energy orgasms that involve breathing and engaging the entire body – you feel the breath everywhere, not just the lungs, and it fills you with hormones and oxygen and takes you over the edge!
Some orgasms are like sneezes, simple stress relief, mechanical – not super fulfilling, but they feel good and get the job done. Other orgasms are more intense and meaningful, especially if they are shared with another person.
I often compare my orgasms to water – sometimes they feel placid, sometimes like a bubbling brook, and sometimes like a deep ocean.
Experiment with muscle tension, relaxation, and breathing. And don’t forget toys – vibrators aren’t just for women! I’ve had men reach orgasm by stimulating the head and shaft of their penis with a massager like the Magic Wand.
Pain
Orgasms can be a good antidote for pain.
It can be good to take control of pain, and have it on your own terms. I saw an intense documentary called Sick: The Life and Death of Bob Flanagan, Super Masochist, about a man who had cystic fibrosis and chose to explore the world of BDSM in order to cope with pain. The average life expectancy of cystic fibrosis sufferers at the time he lived was 28. He lived to be 43.
I had a 35 year old client who had lower back pain that interfered with his pleasure, so he had Erectile Dysfunction as a result. I tried numerous therapies with him, including an inexpensive TENS unit you can buy online. A TENS unit is electrical therapy – the sensations can interrupt regular nerve impulses, offering pain relief and a different sensation. I applied the four electrical pads to his lower back, and it worked really well for him – he was able to achieve an erection in a way he hadn’t been able to do for years!
I tend to get cold easily, so I like to incorporate heat into my love sessions. There are little reusable heart heat pads you can use for massage, or to rest on an aching area. There are also microwavable pads, heating blankets, and warm herbal oils you can rub on sore joints.
Queerness
In my opinion, the world would be a better place if everyone were bisexual. Then we would have so many more opportunities for experience and connection.
I’m really fascinated by the bonobos, a type of peace-loving primate that spends their days touching each other, licking, caressing, rubbing… I can definitely relate to their way of life! I like creating spaces where we can actually touch and bond with each other. It’s hard carving out those spaces in a world where everyone and everything is so compartmentalized.
Room for play
Do you spend most of your time in a wheelchair or hospital bed? It can be hard fitting two people in a narrow bed. See if it is possible to have access to a double bed, or the floor with cushions.
Sexologist Dr Marylou Naccarato designed The Love Bench, which is innovative sex furniture for people with short stature or limited mobility. It allows for more positions and easy access to oral sex.
Positions and support – there are many product lines that can help you find positions that will work for you. Liberator has a variety of wedges you can combine, and Sportsheets has some great adaptive devices, such as cuffs and slings.
Safer sex
There are lots of different kinds of barriers you can use to protect yourself from Sexually Transmitted Infections – from virtual (phone, internet, web cam, virtual reality sex), to physical (condoms, dental dams, gloves). People with spina bifida and others too may have latex allergies, so there are a few different types of materials to choose from – polyurethane, and silicone. Most condoms are designed to fit a penis, but there are some you can get that you can insert in the vagina for a whole different level of sensation and protection. These are called Fermidoms.
Try the principal ‘on me not in me’ so bodily fluids never get inside your bodies.
If you do engage in higher risk behaviors such as multiple partners or sex with someone who is HIV+, you can get tested regularly, and proactively take a medication such as Truvada, which reduces the risk of HIV infection.
People who have disabilities may be more vulnerable to diseases, so be sure and get flu shots and other applicable vaccinations to protect against Hepatitis and HPV.
Don’t let fear of STIs hold you back from exploring your sexuality – instead, educated yourself and come to terms with taking calculated risks – not just in the bedroom, but in life in general!
The setting
I’m a sucker for ambience. I’ve been to BDSM play parties held in veterans halls, and filthy adult movie theaters. I had a hard time relaxing and getting into the moment, because those settings were not sexy!
Try and keep your bedroom a sexy setting – designate a different area for medical and hygiene supplies. Avoid clutter. Adjust the temperature so you can feel comfortable naked. Have lighting options for different moods. Scented candles are nice. Experiment with sensual textures – soft bedding, silky lingerie. Music is a good touch. Avoid having the television on, unless it’s playing porn. Have towels handy and put a sheet or Liberator Throe down for easy clean up.
Unique
The word “unique” tends to be overused. Technically, it means, “one of a kind.” Every body is unique. And every situation is unique.
So, take unique to a new level and have unique experiences! Tuppy Owens, a renowned sex therapist and campaigner for disability rights for decades, has offered SO many unique experiences to her friends and allies.
For instance, she has put on tactile fashion shows, in which the clothing features varying textures such as feather boas, silk, lace, bubble wrap, etc., so that visually impaired people can enjoy the show through touch.
She has also offered BDSM scene training for those with limited mobility, so the person playing the dominant role can exercise some fun and naughty control over a submissive someone else – switch it up! A quadriplegic can try using domination so he can ‘conduct’ his sexual activity with a sub, using his voice.
She showed a striptease for a deaf and blind man, at a conference in the London Royal Society of Medicine. The man preferred a stripper to a sex worker because physical touch would be too intense for him. The striptease artist stripped close to him so he could smell her and receive the garments as they were removed, and a PA translated what was happening by finger language.
You, too, can think outside the cage, and create your own communities and events! Rally the troops! Crash the party!
Vaginal intercourse
Some, especially heterosexual women, and particularly those with spinal injuries and neurological problems need to use lube. You can squirt it up you or ask your partner to cover his penis In lube. Women who are menopausal or older can get Estriol cream to help.
I always keep lube and condoms near my bed. Using lube can keep intercourse enjoyable for longer periods of time.
Some women with cerebral palsy cannot spread their legs wide enough to allow a man between them. Others (or perhaps these same women) find that spasms prevent entry. Help her to relax so that her legs part and give her an orgasm before vaginal intercourse so that she Is really relaxed and the spasms disappear.
Prior to intercourse, warm the woman up with some touching, stroking, and outercourse. When you are ready penetrate, start off slow and teasing. Learn more than one move with your penis – a lot of young men only know a jackhammer motion, which can be painful . Imagine massaging her vaginal walls with the head of your penis; try various positions and speeds. I
If she wants to orgasm while you are fucking her, you need to graze her clitoris and / or g-spot. This might mean a rocking movement as you go in and out, and many women love men who can do this. Another way is to strap a little vibrator to her clit while you are in action.
Being inside a vagina feels very warm and snug – savor that sensation! If your erection flags, take a break and try something else for a while – kissing, stroking, oral.
When one is also the carer
If you have a partner who acts as a caregiver to you, be sure to address the various roles and differentiate them. Provide the caregiver partner some respite. Create a ritual that separates the daily life role from the bedroom role. As mentioned earlier, you could bring in a bedroom companion to be her carer while the two of you have sex.
X-rated erotica and porn
Straight up porn is fine to use to supplement solo or partner play, but keep in mind it is meant to convey fantasy and entertainment, and is not meant to be educational. I’ve had some young men who didn’t know any better, and would try to porn moves on me, which felt more mechanical and less intimate. Porn positions are meant for camera visibility, so body contact is at a minimum. In real life, the more skin on skin contact, the better! Anal sex looks easy in porn but you have to learn how to relax the anal sphincter to enjoy anything going up your arse.
I knew a blind man who would queue up YouTube videos of dogs panting and he would get off to that, because it sounded like primal heavy breathing.
Literotica.com is a great resource for the written or spoken word – it features many categories to explore, from romantic to taboo topics.
Your Person
Sexologist Dr. Mitch Tepper states, “Sexuality encompasses more than sexual behavior. It can foster intimacy and bonding as well as shared pleasure in our relationships. Your sexuality is a core component of your personality. Even though you may have lost some feeling or function, your sexuality still exists in thoughts, fantasies, desires, beliefs, attitudes, values, behaviors (solo and partnered), practices, roles, and relationships. No matter what your circumstances, there are many creative ways to express your sexuality and to continue your sex life.”
How do you feel about yourself? How do you feel today?
I like to do a body tour and mapping exercise with my clients. I start by giving them a show and tell of my body, undressing and sharing the history of my body, scars, things I like and don’t like. Then, it’s their turn to introduce me to their body. When we are both naked, I touch them all over their body, from head to toe, asking for feedback on what feels ticklish, sensual, comforting, etc. I explain the difference between various types of touch – nurturing, caring, erotic.
Another interesting exercise to try is to make a list of things you like about yourself. Then, make a list of the things you don’t like about yourself. This personal inventory helps put things in perspective. Which list is longer? How does viewing the lists make you feel? On the “don’t like” list, are there things you have the power to change?
Zzz – Fatigue
We all get tired and need rest, but fatigue is more draining and requires more than a nap to recover. Ration your energy. If you want to have sex, skip running errands and rest up. Consider timing – do you feel best in the morning? Reduce stress if possible.
Take turns with intimacy, so that one of you can completely relax and just receive. Take guilt off the table.
Mutual masturbation is a wonderful workaround for when a partner isn’t feeling super frisky. Or, you can hold your partner as they pleasure themselves. Your energy and attention will enhance their experience!
Employ toys! Toys can provide more pleasure, with less effort. I often use my Magic Wand while my partner holds me, or kisses my breast. He infuses his energy into my psyche, just with his breathe and affirmation of my pleasure. We’ve also whipped out the Tenga Fliphole male masturbator when I’m not feeling acrobatic – I find it sexy watching his penis be engulfed with powerful, tingling sensations that were absolutely designed for one thing, and one thing only – pleasuring a penis!
Sometimes we might not feel turned on spontaneously, but will feel desire kick in after sexual activity has been initiated.
Try roleplaying a massage, or a “Sleeping Beauty” scenario. As long as the sex is consensual, you can be as creative with it as you want
Experiment with sex during different times of the day – morning, afternoon, early evening instead of at night.
A great “lazy” position I discovered when I was pregnant was spooning – sex lying on our sides, with him entering me from behind. We sometimes do that in the morning when we’re feeling sleepy, yet turned on! He gets hard, I push my ass up against him, inviting him to root around and find somewhere warm to explore…
A helpful piece of advice that Ageless Sexuality expert Joan Price gave me was to have sex before eating, or even better, exercise, have sex, then eat. Exercise gets the blood flowing, and eating slows things down as your body gets heavy and focuses on digestion. Switching it up like this has resulted in way more sexy evenings and less regret about missing out on an opportunity to connect intimately with my partner. After all, it’s better to regret the things you have done than the things you haven’t done! 😉
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Now you know your ABC’s – next time won’t you sing with me? Preferably, in bed. 🙂
To Your Happiness,
Kendra Holliday
Sex Surrogate, Slut, Lover of Life, Embracer of Differences